If it means this book is finally over, yes it’s happy.

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…snrk. Yeah, right.

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Bella turns into a vampire and it hurts.

And that’s literally the whole chapter.

I am not fucking kidding.

We go back to Bella’s perspective right as she vomits blood. We get a brief recap of what she saw from the last chapter, only with a lot of descriptions of pain. Bella manages to cling to consciousness long enough to see (blalgh) Renesmee before blacking out.

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…There really aren’t. This is ugly.

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Edward and Carlisle are unable to find Irina, so they let the matter drop. Days go by with nothing bad happening, so the Cullens decide to go about business as usual. But one day, while arranging some vases, Alice gets a vision so shocking that she drops one: the Volturi are coming for the Cullens. All of them. They’ll be arriving in about a month. Because there’s so many of them, it can’t just be to check up on Bella’s current life/undeath status; it’s about Nessie. When Irina saw Nessie

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Too-much-bullshit alert.

Jacob, Leah, and Seth run another patrol around the Cullen house, and I feel like I’ve said something along those lines twenty times in the past eight chapters. Leah awkwardly thanks Jacob for putting up with her and promises to try to not get on his nerves. They do nothing of consequence for nine pages and this book is so padded a La-Z-Boy factory would find it excessive. Eventually, Leah speaks up again:

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Why didn’t I just stop reading? Oh, right, because I’m a glutton for punishment.

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That describes most of the book. Most of the series, actually.

Aro and Caius, another one of the Volturi, discuss Nessie, and Bella overhears. Aro is adamant that Nessie isn’t an immortal child and the Cullens don’t deserve to die for that. Then Caius brings up the werewolves:

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More and more vamps start hanging out at the Cullens’. Naturally, they need to hunt humans. Jacob’s miffed at the killing, but he shuts up for Nessie’s sake. In the space of three sentences. Really:

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Before Charlie leaves, he and Bella briefly talk about how much to tell Renee. They decide no more than is necessary; Charlie says he’ll think of something. He asks to hold Nessie for a moment, and… Ugh, this is creepy:

I could see it in his face — I could watch it growing there. (I know, you just said it.) Charlie was just as helpless against her magic as the rest of us. Two seconds in his arms, and already she owned him.

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Edward keeps Bella busy on the island for days, with things like snorkeling and hiking and birdwatching, and she’s tired a lot. One night, Bella suggests waiting a little more for her to be turned; she wants to try out Dartmouth a bit, stay human for longer than she’d expected. Why? So she and Edward can bang some more. Hate hate hate.

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Some authors just don’t grasp the concept of “unedited”.

It’s morning. Jacob and Seth have been patrolling off and on throughout the night, one of them sleeping while the other runs. Jacob’s wrenched from his fitful sleep by Seth’s howling; Leah’s also joined their pack. For some reason, Jacob and Seth both act like this is a bad thing.

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We don’t get to see Bella and Jacob throw down, which might’ve been impressive. We don’t even get to see them get pulled apart. We cut to after the incident, where Edward and Seth have already intervened and stopped Bella, although Bella broke Seth’s arm. Edward praises her for keeping control over herself for as long as she did. Shut up with the amazing control part. I don’t care if it’s true, I’m tired of hearing it. Bella tries to calm herself down from her spat by thinking over some

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Bella’s and Edward’s honeymoon takes them to Brazil; specifically, Rio de Janeiro. They head to the ocean docks on the western edge of the city. The ocean on the western edge of a city in Brazil. Really:

The taxi continued through the swarming crowds until they thinned somewhat, and we appeared to be nearing the extreme western edge of the city, heading into the ocean.

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So. Last book. Here we go.

Clinginess Meter: 0

I hate hate hate hate hate these prefaces. How not to do prologues. Skipping.

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The moment Bella wakes up, she realizes she can everything much more clearly than she could as a human. Everything’s sharply-defined and she can notice things that were too small before. It’s an interesting idea, but like many interesting ideas in this series, it’s botched. Like in this description:

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Good thing I’ve got a strong Bullshit Sensor (or so I hope…).

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The hunt begins with a halfway-decent character scene where Bella’s nervous about jumping out the second-story window even though she knows she’s indestructible now. But then it’s ruined when she tries it and does it perfectly.

“That was quite graceful — even for a vampire.”

BECAUSE WE CAN’T INCONVENIENCE OUR PROTAGONIST. NO. SIR.

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As Bella and Edward run back to the house, she asks him to tell her about (bleelalgh) Renesmee. It’s the boringness of perfection: she’s wonderful, she’s about a half-and-half split between a vampire and a human, she sleeps soundly, she prefers to drink blood although she can eat human food, and she communicates effectively even though she doesn’t speak yet. Well. Isn’t that convenient. However, Edward’s frustrated over Jacob imprinting on (ghghghgh) Renesmee, but he manages to hide that fact

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When Bella gets home, she says to Edward that she went Christmas shopping for Nessie and got her a little something: a rully purty necklace. Edward approves of it. She wants to practice fighting with Emmett some more, but Edward says that’ll have to wait until tomorrow. Why, I don’t know. He doesn’t give a single reason. Bella accepts it because I don’t know. Girl, can’t you have any initiative? Bella recognizes that, in order for Nessie to have a chance to run away at all, the Cullens

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